You remember that whole "working out" thing I posted about literally 5 months ago? I was all "yeah I'm gonna do this and update you guys on my progress and it's gonna be great" and stuff? And then I...didn't? You wanna know why?

Because I did that thing we all do and didn't make the progress I expected when I expected it and was embarrassed.

Here's the thing though: I was embarrassed because I wasn't hitting the ridiculous expectation I set for myself, which was unintentionally based on the false narrative that so many magazines and commercials spew that weight loss is only valid if it happens impressively. Wanna drop 15 pounds? You can do it in 2 weeks. Slim tummy? 10 days. Fabulous booty? Do this for a week.

You read it and you know it's not normal and not likely, and just because someone somewhere did it doesn't mean its remotely reasonable to expect anyone to do it. You know this, but logic takes a backseat to insecurities. Working out hard for 3 months and not seeing the changes you want feels like failure, and who wants to advertise their failure?

But it's not failure. It's establishing better habits and healthy practices that have a positive impact, regardless of what level of "measurable" changes you see on a scale. Accepting that is the hardest part of such a journey. Numbers on both the scale and the body fat % tester barely moved, but I was feeling better. That should take priority over anything else.

We're now at 5 months after I started taking an active approach to eating differently and working out. I'm currently at 130lbs, which is my pre-surgery weight. My clothes fit better and I feel better about myself when I look in the mirror, and while I still want to take it a little bit further, the fact that I'm down 14 lbs from where I started (and 20 lbs from my worst, right after Day 5 finished production) is huge. The fact that it took me 5 months to get there versus 2 shouldn't diminish that. I found a pace that was and is sustainable, so weight that has come off is more likely to stay off.

Oddly enough the new eating habits are the easiest part of this change, and keeping the workout rhythm has been the hardest. There's a month left before our friends' wedding, and I'm hoping I can make that last little bit of progress to be where I really want to be by then. For now, I'm proud of what I've been able to do for myself and that I did it at a pace that, while frustrating at the time, will afford me a greater opportunity to keep myself here rather than repeating this cycle in a few weeks.

I choose cosplays based on things I have an interest in and characters I care about. The design of the character rarely plays into it, whereas a lot of cosplayers I know will choose characters more for their design than their feelings towards them. Everyone chooses characters for different reasons, and that presents different challenges. For me it can mean I really want to portray a character that is beyond my skill level (which is killer for my need for perfection) or would be considered visually uninteresting (where I would feel the need to find ways to add some flair). My latest obstacle? Not actually knowing what the character looks like.

I present to you the weird world of cosplaying a character from a purely audio medium.

When I presented my music experiment to you (I compiled the responses already and am working on that post!) I talked about a podcast I was listening to recently call The Adventure Zone. It is a D&D podcast that I'd argue is less gameplay and more storytelling, and it's masterful storytelling at that. These guys do a great job of creating a story you want to see through to the end and characters you care about seeing make it there, and lemme tell you I got invested at a particular point. Even if you're not into D&D (I wasn't when I started it) I highly recommend it. It takes them a while to get the ball rolling, but once they settle into a rhythm it is an entertainment delight for your ears.

Perhaps the coolest part of this story is that there is a very intentional open-endedness to their descriptions of these characters. All we have for visuals is whatever images their words paint for us. We know a lot about who these characters are, but there's very little ever said about their appearances beyond their race (human, dwarf, elf, orc, etc). They leave it up to the listener, and it means we can all make them whatever we want. You can imagine them with any skin color, hair color/style, clothing, features, etc you want, and it makes them accessible in a way most fictions aren't able to. The variety in art people have created because of this is amazing.

So what do you do when you want to cosplay something that doesn't look a particular way?

My favorite part of cosplay is nailing all the little details, and in a case like this those details are arguably no longer little as they're the only real identifying marks. I can decide what I think Taako looks like, but if I don't hit the few things we know about him really well no one else is going to have any hope of knowing who I am. When I decided I wanted to cosplay someone from this show, I had to really think about the few things I knew about them and how to absolutely nail those qualities while still allowing myself the freedom to decide what I pictured when Griffin wove a lovely word tapestry.

If you haven't finished the series this would be a good time to stop reading.

LoLink and I decided, less than three weeks out from PAX South, that we should do a do cosplays of Barry and Lup. We were in love with those characters, and it worked out pretty fabulously that they're a couple too. We know most of Barry's clothing (thank you, episode 57!), but we knew nothing about Lup beyond the fact that she's an elf who looks like Taako (who we also don't know much about). How do I cosplay someone when I don't even have a hair color to work with?

I spent waaaaay too much time looking through images of renaissance fairs, TAZ fan art, generic D&D art, anything I could think of to see how other people see her. This was simultaneously helpful and not because there was such a variety of every possible feature that it didn't narrow down my options, but also proved there wasn't a wrong way to do it. I built a look off of what came to mind when I thought of the phrase "sassy pyromaniac elf" and chose to focus most of my energy on the three things I knew: she's an elf (so you gotta go for the ears), she is a part of the IPRE crew (red robe with a crew patch on it), and she is the creator of the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet. She also created the Umbra Staff, but that's a common accessory for Taako cosplays, so I wanted to try to avoid that one to prevent confusion over which of the two characters I was going for.

Defining a character with only three qualities is difficult and feels odd, but it's the best I could do given the situation. I'm pretty happy with how it's come together (especially given the tight timeline), even though there are things that I'll probably switch out for "better" versions of later. I can't wait to show it off at PAX South in a few days and be able to share pictures of the completed outfit!

Music is a powerful emotional tool. Instrumental pieces, with no words to tell you how to feel, resonate with something deep inside and can bring genuine joy or sadness that comes from somewhere I can't quite place. The right music laid in the background of a situation (movie, game, performance, etc) can completely make or break the immersiveness of the experience and heighten or ruin the emotional stakes. My favorite phenomenon is listening to music that was created for that express purpose, without having seen or heard the medium with which it is supposed to pair.

I listened to the soundtrack for the Mass Effect trilogy well before I played the games (at the time I didn't expect to play them, but had heard the music was dope). I had no context for any of the tracks, but I could feel what they were telling me. "The Normandy Reborn" swells to a reveal. "The End Run" fills you with determination on a thin foundation of apprehension. "Leaving Earth" tells of sadness and destruction. "An End Once and for All" brings a somber relief and sense of pained relief. You can know and feel all of that without having played the corresponding scenes in the games. I will often avoid soundtracks for media I intend to experience for that reason, as the musical accompaniments can be emotional spoilers as it were.

Recently I've been listening to a podcast called The Adventure Zone. While it's technically a D&D podcast, I'd almost argue it's more like an audiobook...if the characters had total autonomy and the author only kind of knew what was happening because said characters are unpredictable at best. The storytelling has been impeccable to say the least, and somewhere along the way the DM started including music in the background to underscore certain parts of the story. I've started listening to the albums on Bandcamp and immediately zeroed in on some tracks as my "favorites", as it was so easy to see the scene play out in my head again when I heard them.

Here's the experiment I want to try:

It's safe to say that a good many members of my social circle have not listened to The Adventure Zone. I certainly hadn't heard of it until a few weeks ago, and even then I had to be coerced into giving it a shot ("A D&D podcast? Really? Why in god's name would you think I want to listen to that?"). I would love to hear how some of these tracks make people feel or what it makes them imagine, people who don't already have an emotional investment in the characters of this show. If you would at all be interested in sharing, please shoot me an email! I have a short list of particular tracks picked out, but am certainly not going to discourage anyone from listening to more of the albums! The idea would be that I would compile the feedback, remove the names, and share it here for us all to see how different people hear the same song.

Of course I highly recommend the show itself, regardless of whether you're into D&D or not. I would experience this show all over again as a book if it was ever compiled into one, it's that good. And if you're just curious about the music but don't want to share your thoughts, that's okay too! You should still check it out, especially the Suffering Game album <3

PS. Thanks Ben for forcing me to listen to this show. Because we all know I needed something else to get emotionally invested in. Jerk.

PPS. The target of this experiment is TAZ because I'm super into it at the moment and have been diving deep into the music, but if this is a successful experiment I will probably do it more in the future with other works. The hard part is, of course, finding something that enough people haven't experienced to be able to give untainted feedback. But that's a problem for future Jenn!

The Persona 5 saga continues! Did you miss my first post about my reactions to the game so far? If yes, go check it out! If not, you're in luck: here are my next few in-game days of what is turning out to be an...interesting adventure. As a reminder, there are light spoilers.

4/12:

• Okay, yes, awesome, normal day at school. This seems like a weird time to introduce stats but okay I guess. It fits here, but I'm 4 "days" in and this is literally the first mention of it? And now I know I have 5 stats but also no way of knowing how to increase any of them because nothing I've done to this point has indicated they were a thing.
• Kamoshida is openly hitting on this high school chick and no one gives a shit what is wrong with this school.
• I still want an actual explanation as to how this whole app thing started. Like, why me? And why is it a freaking phone app. Atlus just trying to relate to the kids or something?
• Also let's talk about the fact that I just happened to say the right words to trigger the castle to show up. Does literally every person have a palace and I just choose who I'm going to spawn one for?
• My fake gun...acts like a real gun...because nobody but us knows any better? Also this whole "if they think it's real, it is real" thing leaves a looooot of doors open.
• After the Love Suite of V3 I am not going into a "Training Hall of Love." Nope. Not gonna do it.
• Okay I did it and it's...not what it sounds like and considering what I thought it was it really isn't that bad. I mean, it's still not great though.
• Ryuji get with the program you cannot actually be this dumb.
• Jesus Christ, we finally get some Ryuji backstory and now I really want awful things to happen to Kamoshida. This guy is the pits.
  
• Seriously can this guy put some pants on please.
• WHAT IS WITH THE RIPPING OFF OF THE VERY SECURE FACE MASKS?!
  
• Running away from that situation seemed waaaaay too easy.
• I'm not convinced the actions within a palace won't have real life impacts on the ruler of it.
  
• Takamaki you know shit is up with Shiho and you have to have a pretty good idea of what it is stop dancing around it with your denial and do something.

4/13:

• I hate this teacher.
• Of course none of the team is going to talk. Why would they talk now? To us? There is literally no point in this excursion. Why is the game making me do this obviously futile exercise?
  
• I really don't know how to feel about Ann.
• "I'm not feeling well today." Probably because your coach beats the snot out of you. Just going out on a limb here.
• I go back to "what is wrong with this school" because everyone knows the coach is a physically abusive d-bag and they're fine with it? What am I even doing then? Even if I get proof who the hell am I going to tell?

4/14:

• Okay wait. I get in and out of the Metaverse with my phone app thing. How in the hell does the cat do it?
• What is this magical fairytale BS? "Make him have a change of heart and he'll confess to his crimes"? You're losing me here.
  
• Ann cannot be mad that I overheard her yelling in a public space. Not my fault you can't keep your private conversations private.
• Pro tip: if someone says "it's nothing" while actively crying and runs away from you immediately, it is not nothing.
  

4/15:

• WHOA THIS TOOK A TURN JESUS CHRIST. Japan does not fuck around with their games.
• Screw it let's kill this guy.
• Let's talk about how lucky we are that despite being in totally populated areas that we have not previously accidentally taken someone into the Metaverse.
• This negotiation tactic is simultaneously cool and concerning.
• This game still hasn't actually really explained personas but now I have multiple ones which sounds like a cool thing just waiting to become a problem.
• "Fusing Personas will now grant you EXP!" Thanks dialogue box what the hell does that mean?
  
• The way Ann is tied up here is giving me Another Episode flashbacks.
• AGAIN WITH THE FACE RIPPING
  

Through the end of the first palace arc:

• So, what, Igor summons me and I just abandon my crew without a word and we all go on like it's not that big a deal?
  
• FUSION IS STRAIGHT UP MURDER HOLY SHIT. Also how did it take 7 days beyond the first mention of fusing for you to freaking tell me what that is?
  
• How has no one noticed a cat in my desk? I mean, he talks to me during the day, surely they hear it meowing.
  
• This boss is...more disturbing looking than I expected.
  
• "I will make this better and kill myself." The principal is having literally zero reaction to this exchange.
  
• "This morning's assembly is over." You bet your ass it is.
  
• This music sounds like "Say Something (I'm Giving Up On You)".
  
• "Return to your classrooms at once." No fuck you we gotta talk about this.
  
• You guys should really not constantly be talking about your Metaverse business out loud in public spaces.
  
• "So we can get them to confess with no bad stuff?" Yeah no I've got a feeling that won't work all the time and there's going to be bad stuff somewhere along the line.
  

Between the shadows, the "treasure", and this "change of heart" goal, I feel like I'm simply playing a dark version of Kingdom Hearts, like the creators sat down to make KH but did a bunch of coke first and ended up having to confront their inner demons. For me, that leaves me wanting in this game. I was never much in the Kingdom Hearts camp, though I can appreciate what it brings to the table. The same goes for Persona 5 - I can appreciate that other people find it riveting, but it feels too choppy and non-committal for me to get hooked onto it. I'm playing along for the moment to get to at least the reveal of the second palace, but I'm not thinking I'm going to be going past that. Just not my thing, I guess.

I hope you enjoyed seeing these snippets of my journey through the first part of the game! Even if I couldn't really get into it I had fun writing these up for you guys <3

I have never played a Persona game, but after I became invested in the Danganronpa series I had many people recommend I check the series out. And then I didn't because damn do I have a game backlog to work through. When Persona 5 came out earlier this year, the majority of my social circle played it and raved continuously about how much they loved it. They've continued to talk about how great it is, and with it being up for Game of the Year I can't resist any longer. A wonderful friend has let me borrow her copy of the game so I can see what all the hype is about.

Since I am late to this party and have never played a Persona game before, I thought it would be fun to share my thoughts and reactions to the game as I progress through it (since I can't stream it either, thanks Atlus*). What follows is a summary of what I've thought of various stages of the game. Warning that there may be light spoilers, though I will try to keep it as spoiler-free as possible.

*I know you can stream it up to a certain point but not being able to finish what I start is something I just can't bring myself to do.

The Beginning:

• Wow these controls feel clunky. My character moves too quickly for the space he's in. Precision in movement is impossible.
• I seem to be an arrogant petty thief. I want this to make sense later but right now I think I'm an asshole. Not exactly winning me over.
• Oh good I got what I deserve but also this seems like an overkill reaction to a dude stealing a briefcase's worth of stuff from a casino.
• Alright something else is going on here because that list of charges against me is ridiculous. This some bullshit.
• Hey lawyer-lady you just acknowledged I have been beaten and drugged can you calm down with your questions.
• Of course we're pulling a Tarantino and going back some period of time to see how I ended up here. Starting our cliche game off strong here.
• Animation is all over the place. We've got straight up anime cut scenes, then in game cut scenes that are also inconsistent. Some are smooth, some are just as clunky as when I'm controlling the character.

4/9:

• Well that flashback was messed up. It is now my personal mission to find that jerk and cover his floor with LEGOs and steal all of his shoes.
• Jesus I'm lost. Physically, on the map. Not emotionally. Although I'm sure that's not far behind.
• How am I still lost?
• God damnit I was in the right spot but because of the imprecise controls I wasn't in the right hit box to click on the door.
• How did this dude get roped into letting me live with him? Does he owe my parents money or something? Also eff this guy for knowing exactly what happened in that flashback and deciding that I deserved it. I don't like you either. You will also find LEGOs on your floor with no shoes to protect your feet.
• Man my room is huge. This will be awesome as soon as I clean it.
• Let me clean my room more.
• Why won't you let me clean my room?! Fine I'll go to bed.
• In case the initial flashback wasn't good enough I am now playing the scene. Just to drive the point home.
• Okay wait. I got arrested in said flashback, and now I'm in jail. But this jail is not from being arrested it's a dream jail from me sleeping. That...probably should have been clearer. Maybe don't do those things next to each other. And maybe that was the point but it just felt weird and I spent more time going "wait what" than paying attention to creepy 'I don't move my mouth when I talk' dude who has two little girls working for him like that's not weird.

4/10:

• Thank goodness I woke up because that went nowhere.
• Oh yay my new teachers are already super prejudiced against me. Which granted I sort of get based on the minimal information it sounds like they have. But still. Also I don't know why but I already don't like this volleyball coach guy. He's...off.
• Whoa subway dude what was that.
• Oh a diary? Cool. Yes sir I will write in it.
• How do I write in it? Maybe I have to clear the desk.
• I can't clear the desk. Maybe the table?
• HOW DO I WRITE IN THE DIARY?
• He made it very clear I'm supposed to do this I don't want to go to bed until I figure out how to do this.
• I am going to throw this game out the window.
• WHY WAS IT NOT MADE CLEARER THAT HIM GIVING YOU THE DIARY WAS JUST SAVING BECOMING AVAILABLE.

4/11:

• I personally don't know how I feel about curry for breakfast, but if this cranky dude is going to offer any semblance of kindness I'm going to jump all over it.
• Jesus Christ how do I get to the other train line. I can't read any of these signs. This seems to be an oversight.
• This girl reminds me of Junko Enoshima from Danganronpa and that makes me uncomfortable.
• Volleyball Teacher is back and with the facial expression of not-Junko I am now a firm believer he is absolutely an ass and I can't wait to find out how.
• "Vulgar Boy" reminds me of Sun from RWBY. Loud, blonde, and probably trouble, but also oddly endearing and I think I like him.
• Ah yes the old "hallucinate that your school is an evil creepy castle" bit. Of course. I'm sure we'll be captured immedi--oh yeah there we go off to the dungeon.
• Still not sure what's up with Volleyball Teacher but him being king here does not surprise me.
• IS HE NAKED? I THINK HE IS NAKED.
• Okay not naked but very mostly so and I'm very uncomfortable. Also he needs to tone it down on the evil. Bring that 10 down to a 6.
• I...what? I'm somehow not going to question where a lot of this came from but why in god's name was my first reaction to this mask showing up on my face in a pretty permanent fashion to VIOLENTLY RIP IT OFF.
• This game is not good for explorer people like me who are used to games that hide stuff in nooks and crannies. There is nothing here. I've seen enough to know nothing is here. Is that stopping me from going out of my way to attempt to investigate every crate, barrel, and cell? Nope.
• I have a talking cat that isn't a cat but is totally a cat. I'm waiting for my Sailor Moon style transformation now thank you.
• The fact that Volleyball Teacher recognizes me despite not having met him outside of nightmare-castle concerns me. Maybe it's from offering me a ride but I kind of doubt it.
• God damnit Igor please start making sense.

This is far from the end of even my first play session of the game, but damn this is starting to get long. Obviously there's a lot happening at the beginning of this story, so there's a lot of thoughts and reactions to have. You can expect another one of these soon with the next back of "wtf" thoughts! <3