Life has been busy for a long while, but now it's a different kind of busy. It's a steady stream of busy rather than bursts of super busy. I got good at handling bursts. Hit the ground hard, do the thing, take a breather, sprinkle in some outside tasks, repeat. On the one hand it made everything feel rushed, but on the other there were defined down periods for recovery, always another light at the end of the tunnel to reach.
I am super glad to have steady work again, but it is a huge upheaval in that system I had grown accustomed to and thrived in. It's been 2 months, and while I can acknowledge that expecting 2 months to undo 3+ years of routine is kind of silly, I still find myself not only struggling to make that change but struggling with the fact that I'm struggling. With daily life averaged out across the week that consistent beat of down periods has averaged out along with it, and I just cannot adjust to it. It feels like I'm overall more busy, and maybe I am, but figuring out how to continue to exist is feeling like some insurmountable obstacle.
I don't mean that in a suicidal way, not in the slightest. I realize rereading it that it can come across that way. I mean it in a "I am so overwhelmed with the idea of doing this, that, and the other thing within the amount of time allowed by the laws of physics and biology that I literally do not think this is possible" way. I've been trying desperately to tetris together things like my new work schedule, going to the gym, laundry, basic housekeeping, streaming, making stuff, spending time with friends, enjoying time with LoLink and all the pieces are just awkward enough that while it may be possible for them to all fit in the grid I have yet to come up with the solution. In the face of that, all I can do is start removing some pieces. Or at least making them smaller.
The easiest piece to cut down right now is streaming/videos, and frankly makes the most sense at the moment. I have reached a point where streaming is not as enjoyable as it once was, and has instead turned into a pretty hefty burden on my mental health. I was hoping that dropping ti back to 3 days a week was going to help, but it hasn't. After a lot of consideration and talking with a few trusted confidants, I'm mostly no longer going to stream on a schedule. Tiara Thursdays and Stardew Sundays (which were moving to every other week anyways) will still be planned for, but for the foreseeable future other streams will be done on an as-able-both-literally-and-mentally basis. I'm going to go back to streaming when I genuinely feel like streaming and want to spend time with friends in the chat.
I'm also going to work on getting YouTube up to date, and once I get it to where the archive on Twitch is current (or current enough) will be switching to not making any edits on streams and just straight uploading them from Twitch for the archive. Doing that will free up time to make actual videos when inspiration strikes, which I haven't done in ages partially out of guilt for all the other things I felt like I had to do.
Ultimately, I'm trying to go back to doing things I enjoyed as I enjoyed them rather than trying to force them into the self-imposed obligation they've become. I don't really have a plan for how long it'll be this way...as long as it takes, really. I may be able to get a better handle on the rest of life in a few weeks, it may not be until this production wraps, maybe I'll ultimately decide it'll be like this forever. If I had an answer I probably wouldn't be doing this in the first place.
You've all been wonderfully supportive both on and offline, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I'm looking forward to bringing some of the old energy and spark back into things by giving myself the mental freedom to exist without guilt. Eventually.
I still haven't done my laundry from PAX.
I am super glad to have steady work again, but it is a huge upheaval in that system I had grown accustomed to and thrived in. It's been 2 months, and while I can acknowledge that expecting 2 months to undo 3+ years of routine is kind of silly, I still find myself not only struggling to make that change but struggling with the fact that I'm struggling. With daily life averaged out across the week that consistent beat of down periods has averaged out along with it, and I just cannot adjust to it. It feels like I'm overall more busy, and maybe I am, but figuring out how to continue to exist is feeling like some insurmountable obstacle.
I don't mean that in a suicidal way, not in the slightest. I realize rereading it that it can come across that way. I mean it in a "I am so overwhelmed with the idea of doing this, that, and the other thing within the amount of time allowed by the laws of physics and biology that I literally do not think this is possible" way. I've been trying desperately to tetris together things like my new work schedule, going to the gym, laundry, basic housekeeping, streaming, making stuff, spending time with friends, enjoying time with LoLink and all the pieces are just awkward enough that while it may be possible for them to all fit in the grid I have yet to come up with the solution. In the face of that, all I can do is start removing some pieces. Or at least making them smaller.
The easiest piece to cut down right now is streaming/videos, and frankly makes the most sense at the moment. I have reached a point where streaming is not as enjoyable as it once was, and has instead turned into a pretty hefty burden on my mental health. I was hoping that dropping ti back to 3 days a week was going to help, but it hasn't. After a lot of consideration and talking with a few trusted confidants, I'm mostly no longer going to stream on a schedule. Tiara Thursdays and Stardew Sundays (which were moving to every other week anyways) will still be planned for, but for the foreseeable future other streams will be done on an as-able-both-literally-and-mentally basis. I'm going to go back to streaming when I genuinely feel like streaming and want to spend time with friends in the chat.
I'm also going to work on getting YouTube up to date, and once I get it to where the archive on Twitch is current (or current enough) will be switching to not making any edits on streams and just straight uploading them from Twitch for the archive. Doing that will free up time to make actual videos when inspiration strikes, which I haven't done in ages partially out of guilt for all the other things I felt like I had to do.
Ultimately, I'm trying to go back to doing things I enjoyed as I enjoyed them rather than trying to force them into the self-imposed obligation they've become. I don't really have a plan for how long it'll be this way...as long as it takes, really. I may be able to get a better handle on the rest of life in a few weeks, it may not be until this production wraps, maybe I'll ultimately decide it'll be like this forever. If I had an answer I probably wouldn't be doing this in the first place.
You've all been wonderfully supportive both on and offline, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I'm looking forward to bringing some of the old energy and spark back into things by giving myself the mental freedom to exist without guilt. Eventually.
I still haven't done my laundry from PAX.
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